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Old 26-08-2008, 20:25   #1
blue harbour
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Talking Qantas

Qantas
Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a
plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with
the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems;
document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
an accident. (does their recent explosion void this statement?)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny...........

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for
last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Old 26-08-2008, 20:38   #2
pete b
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Default Re: Qantas

Matt,really enjoyed that one......what do you reckon to this...
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Old 26-08-2008, 20:41   #3
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Default Re: Qantas

I believe Qantas claim to have never lost a passenger, so the recent oxy bottle explosion doesn't affect that claim, although given the force that an O2 bottle explodes with it's amazing there were no fatalities.
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Old 26-08-2008, 20:43   #4
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MG Re: Qantas



The S type that is and you can pick them up for a song. Be wary of the X Type though - there is a serious issue with the all wheel drive system which was a cobble by all accounts to make a point of difference in the niche. Read a forum in the US who were going crazy about all the failures after 3 years and Jaguars lack of sympathy over attempts to claim repairs under warranty. Put me right off a 3 ltr I looked at couple of years ago. Lots of car for the money though and its British of course.... well half British erm half Mondeo, but built by the British! Mind you, that might explain the failing all wheel drive system "ee well twas me tea break see and I put the nuts down somewhere over here" only kidding Mephiston!

Best aircraft maintenance story I have is personal. Was on a plane in Tenerife one time firing down the runway for takeoff when the pilot hit the brakes and we came to a pretty sudden stop.

"Ladies and Gentleman,this is the captain speaking. Apologies for the unexpected delay. Our friends in the tower have just informed me that a door has been left open on the side of the aircraft. We'll just have someone whip around and ensure its closed before we taxi for a new takeoff"

I cannot lie. It didn't fill us up with much confidence but the drinks trolley sure sold out in a flash. Think it was Monarch.

P
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Old 26-08-2008, 20:51   #5
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Default Re: Qantas

Quote:
Originally Posted by pete b View Post
Matt,really enjoyed that one......what do you reckon to this...
The car?- or am i missing somet pete???
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Old 26-08-2008, 21:50   #6
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Default Re: Qantas

Very funny
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Old 26-08-2008, 21:57   #7
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Default Re: Qantas

Brilliant. Glad I put my beer down to read it
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Old 27-08-2008, 00:14   #8
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Default Re: Qantas

Quote:
Originally Posted by blue harbour View Post
The car?- or am i missing somet pete???
Zeds going mate .... new wheels is Jag 3.0 S Type Sport,with all the trimmings.

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